Friday, April 20, 2012

Next week

Evaluation....I dread it.
IQ testing language testing pshychological testing adabtability testing...
whatever you can think of testing.
We have not been doing so great on those tests historically.
Pretty much flunked it all, collecting labels.
Autism.. mental retardation, no language. I am really scared to see it on paper where we are, even though the gains you have made are obvious to everyone.
I think I will keep my fingers in my ears and sing loudly when they start telling me in their calm sympathetic voices where you are and what we might expect.
I have no stomach for reasonable people to outline your future.
I have no intention of listening.

I will keep my head in the sand my mind in the clouds, my feet on the ground and my arms around you.

I regret not quitting that playschool much earlier...

so much has improved eye contact, language, play, joy.
I hate that there are only so many hours in the day.
I hate not being able to do more.
I hate my limitations and tiredness.
I hate my mistakes.

I dread next week and what it brings.
I am probably most afraid that no matter how hard we work it will not be enough.
I can dream of your future and what you will conquer... I am very far away from accepting that limits will define your life.

I am scared that I fail you somehow.


  1. We're always scared that we fail the little people who need us most. And yet, by that very admission, it means we're always trying I think. Pieces of paper are not accurate indicators of potential or outcome.

    1. I know.. it is just so hard to ignore pieces of paper.

  2. I always remind myself of this great saying "If we judge a fish on its ability to fly .. it will spend all its life feeling its not smart "\
    Sturla is awesome and has come SUCH a long way and you know it

  3. Why is it that we work harder than anyone, yet always fear we're failing??

    None of us is failing. We are living, laughing, loving...doing all the best we can.

    You are wonderful.

    1. Aww trying harder is the only way to make progress so self criticism becomes a hard but necessary part of it all.

      thank you

  4. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself despite everything you do for your son x