Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The forest and the emotional yoe yoeness of it all

It is about the forest and not the trees.
Trees are good, but it takes a lot of them to make a forest.
Autism is seeing only the individual tree or perhaps just the bark or the moss and getting lost among the leaves.
Sturla loves watching leaves. They mesmerize him. I watch him face the window and he will not answer and his eyes have a glazed look and they are fixed on the leaves as he watches the wind rustle among them.
I will not let him be, I will not let him get lost.
I will make him see the big picture. Or I will die... or something like that....
I am a total drama queen, and not very graceful at all.
I swing between hope and despair almost every day. It is absolutely stupid.
I just cannot help it. I get lost among the leaves. The big picture is just to big for me. I only see it now and then, when Lucy lucid visits.

Then I remember the gains, the strides, and the small steps we have made and all the work well done.
Then I see my child for what he is. A child with incredible patience and an endless will to learn and I know I am lucky.

I often wish I were more graceful and serene and accepting of life. But then ...what would drive me on.
So I will accept the emotional roller coaster ride.

I will keep on being this raving mad mom swallowing my pride, my anger and my sorrow, because that is what it takes being his advocate.
This is not a popularity contest. Nice is not getting me anywhere.

I have this incredibly stunningly beautiful boy. Green eyes and blond hair, perfect skin and with such charm....
He is clever and funny, he loves hugs and kisses.
I truly believe that he can do anything if he sets his mind to it.

We are building a forest. And as with all the emo stuff, therapy is about seeing the forest and not just the trees. Individual exercises make up the big picture but it is the overall skill that is the forest.
I handed Sturla a stack of cards tonight and asked him to teach his brother. They sat down and Sturla asked with a tiny prompt in the beginning, who is this? As he showed his brother the cards. His brother answered.
Every time Eiki answered correctly he got praised (the praise given with out any prompt) but a simple no for wrong answers (no prompts at all). When his brother said something silly, Sturla laughed, but kept on with his game.
It was delightful.
They were playing, enjoying themselves and they did not need me.
The kind of moment when I believe everything is possible and only the sky is the limit.
We will reach for the stars and see how high and far we make it.

He just has to catch a glimpse of the forest. I think.
Just like me.

Tonight I saw the forest and it was absolutely beautiful.


  1. Sturla is AMAZING
    Porgerdour - how can you not see the shining bright future ( and present )
    I can see it easily

  2. Perhaps because I know too well what has been taught step by step and perhaps it is because I am a pessimistic perfectionist and perhaps it is because you are far away and the distance makes the mountains blue.... But you should know that my dear hubby totally agrees with you and as always thank you for your sweet optimistic comments.

  3. It is so easy to get caught up in the details and not see the bigger picture, I do that myself. But also, it is hard to look at the bigger picture and the details are safe. Sturla did very well with the card game, that must have been a real pleasure to watch:) Jen

  4. Every learned detail is a victory and that makes us tick tick tick....