Tuesday, May 4, 2010

minding the future

I realise more and more how my child becomes a measuring stick to almost everything. I compare him to others, autistic children and neurotypical and think how he is doing in comparison as if I can measure his progress and future.
I look for things we are doing well in and what needs more.
It is a calculation game.
I play an oracle.
Somewhere I hope to find the answer of how he will be in the far future. The one that is so far away that my live will be almost over, at least I will be legally old when that future arrives.
I do not want him to rely on strangers.
Four siblings.
Let us hope it will never come to that.

There are six children with autism in the little school my six and seven year old attend. I stubbornly hang on to that small private school even though we really can not afford it because I know the autistic children there are being taken care of at least it is so at present, that may change with staff.
They are getting an education and there is an active effort in improving social skills. Those kids are all what you would call high functioning.
Then I calculate, will he be like that?

Can he...
Will he...

When we drive to school I sometimes see a man and a boy standing and watching the traffick. The boy makes some repetitive movements that I have come to recognize. The man holds him tight and the boy stares mesmerized at the traffick.

I think of my friend and her son who is now nine and how he asked his mother at seven. Why am I different? And she told him and he cried.
Self awareness and understanding of oneself.
Still he can not ride his bike in traffick.

And I measure it on my scales and wonder, what and how.....

Staying in the now.
Reeling in my mind.

I pour all that effort into the present in trying to improve the future. The quality of life is still in the present and it will always be right there.


  1. how well I know what you mean
    My SIL has come for a visit and she has MR - she is a lovely person - but I am really gald she has family ( us and her Mum ) and will never have to rely on strangers
    It has made me evern more impassioned about how much I want to help R be self sufficient in the future and I think he will be

  2. So do I.
    I am just scaring myself.:)